28. "The Path to the Black Lodge"
"The world has come to several bad ends."
- Randy Smallwood, "The Wilderness of Transition"
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by Edward Lacie
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Theme music one more time before I stop for an extended break before returning for the last (double-length, Monday night movie presentation) episode.
At this point many "Twin Peaks" developments mirror my narrative. They enter the cave in search of the Black Lodge, Cooper, Truman, Horse, Andy.
I worry that this will be my last viewing; I may contnue from here to the "end" ("there is no end") wich would mean killing my poetic captive. I've decided it's the only thing I can do. It's too clear that poet's work can only be judged and valued after their death when it becomes a body that can be defined.
"I am happy to point out our story does not end in this place of saccharin excess," Windham Earl says.
Pete looks at the puzzle box,¹ the gift Katherine has gotten.
"This could take years."
WHEN ART BEGINS TO HURT, IT'S TIME TO LOOK AROUND.
U.S. IMPERIALISM HAS MADE ITSELF THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE OF THE WORLD.
STRANGE HOW MUCH WE THINK OF OUR BLESSED LITTLE ONES!
SILENCE, THEN ADDED; BUT ALWAYS SHORTER.
October 30, 1979.
Am I psychic
Am I suspect
Am I waiting to remember
more of last night's dreams?
Am I being used?
My dreams are too.
John Carr used to live in my house.
Lucy was my teacher and I knew about the church.² I've been pawn and wanna
wanna scream, it's crazing me so! that others think.
And that I don't but think
I do and will go
to the loony bin to count
to count my boobies
or my booboos.
Number One was moving out of my parents' house with
(name withheld). I'm impressionable. Larry too
was shipped and
shaped into the Comfy Kitchen world
or was it called Comfy Chaos?
And dear Ron (my first sexual partner)
was a savior and he rescued me or did
and how does he fit in? His other boy toy was under
mind control. His bitch. Is real and
really I don't think I'll cope tomorrow night unless I cry
or soon after. After what is
what is Halloween but some
more ritual. Jesus lives and is
or was he just a prophet; just a long
ago and grey gay prophet?
My books, my secrets.
And my screaming mind is
screaming more and has to stop
until tomorrow while I'm being
watched and when will someone tell me
I was used.
Or I was dumb and had to
come around. Around Spokane
shitty things some more,
more karma, karass and I
cannot spell nor spell krap
backwards as do (dharma) bums
and under whose contol?
Can I say more and more of
what I'm guessing that
A porno place is operating in some sad, pathetic house where Larry moved and maybe died after I kicked him out of John Carr's house.
The story Sheriff Gardner didn't know
and now I know and now I know and now I know and now I know³
that Larry wasn't lying when he said I'd soon believe.
Believe me, though, he tried and couldn't
win when he was cracking
cracking up and still
was sane enough to think
that I was dumb, am dumb, what
ever, and he tried
to wear me
down to weakness such as simply
grab that one
and never mind
the talking first, the walking will
if you want, you say, you try, you think, you know, and you believe
and Larry cried and
they were watching when he begged of me to let him stay and I said no
unless you want
for me to lose my mind because
I had to have him move to
porno palace for the poor to die,
and watching while I pointed Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Come
suitcase and grocery bag with clothes falling out
falling out on the porch of John Carr's house had been
watched for the poor and underpriveleged
and now I know gays who will
be watched and used and
who are used to
are there for that and now I know
and have more karma, hate and am part of
a karass of failure and being used and taken
and now I know and I cannot
spell nor as I was once, twice, three times more
than that and that
I think the truckstop
and the Comfy Kitchen and other places I frequent
owned by, catered to by, the Spokane family
thought to be "connected" supplies all the restaurants
and I other bars and I have no power
and am smart enough to not to
see that New York was where Berkowitz visited here from.
And Larry had me meet a dancer from dear
old California, old New York, Chicago, small town in Missouri
making me sick and I emulated future television after
Larry says he'll never do that trick again for me how I
wanted to be given free reign of everything
place that I'm employed. Dean is missing and does he
know that he tried to save me and that I will follow
him to Seattle as soon as I can get away from
this Son of Sam playground and feeding ground, home.
"I need to see this poem immediately," Cooper tells Shelley who mentioned it to him, the torn paper she received along with her invitation to the Miss Twin Peaks Ball.
Windham Earl is going to kill the winner. I will kill Baysans! My mind is made up.
The contestants are Shelley, Audrey, Donna, and Annie, a last-minute addition. Cooper recites the poem! He's put the pieces back together (F-B-M).
The Major, come to give information about progress at the cave, says, "Complimentary verses of the same song." Is he talking of the Black Lodge and White Lodge?
Windham Earl is about to kill a pawn in the on-going chess game.
Blackmailing Jim Post with a threat to turn him in for the hit-and-run death of Poet X has backfired. Jim Post planted evidence that ties me to his vehicle on that night nearly a year ago when I killed Poet X. I have no more ace in the hole and can't put off murdering Baysans any longer.
The puzzle box begins to open!
I finally located the Gnome notebook and have had a glance through it, my heart beating irregularly. It's as if someone else wrote it. It was so long ago. It all heppened so fast.
"Something similar happened to me," Cooper tells Annie. They kiss.
Did I mention I stopped taking my Prozac? Aren't there stats about that leading to violent behavor?
Soon there were hostages taken a half a world away and a friend of mine had just left for Iran. My own best friend was missing. The world is on the brink of war and I feel complicity.
To think that the hostages were taken after the toast of Halloween and suspected next victim - Shoot me! I'm ready to be picked up and taken to the airport, to Harar, a new identity now that it's known I'm a lodestar for detecting the evil, Son of Sam. I survived living in his house, didn't I?
All the possibilities are crashing at the same time again and I'm starting to write fast, think fast, tie together too fast ideas and reasons and outcomes and everything is important. Everything is a clue to what next to do. Every statement of truth means more than itself, every motion is amplified and symbolic.
When death is near, each action is seen through expected eyes of judgment to be seen momentarily and with heavy heart. A heart is the symbol of life. The sun is the symbol of God.
End of episode, finally. Hesitantly.
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